11.16.2012

Epic Fails

Ever see the commercial where the turkey flies out the window?  I almost wish that'd happen to me. Dare to dream. Not that I don't have my own epic fails to report.

My earliest kitchen disaster moment is one I don't remember and can only repeat as told to me by my mother. I'm four years old and announce I will cook breakfast my-self. I drop the full carton of eggs and they explode across the kitchen floor. I insist on cleaning up my-self. After using a tree's worth of paper towels I say to my mother, "Will you please punish me and send me to my room instead?" Avoidance technique activated.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese circa 5th grade. Foamy bubbles appear in the pot after adding the noodles to the boiling water. I panic. Surely dish soap had not been properly rinsed at last wash. I dump the toxic noodles for fear of being poisoned. I wash the pot (properly) and begin anew. Second try, same as the first, I am defeated. Later that day my mother tells me all was well and non-dangerous. Two dollars down the drain. I decide to ask Mom to cook mac and cheese for me next time. Avoidance technique reinforced.

Asian stir-fry mid 90s. I borrow my friend's wok. I chop vegetables and chicken. Uncle Ben's Rice in a Bag (ready in ten!) is teed up. I pour in the oil and put on the lid, turn the burner to high. I'm pumped to stir fry the night away. As I lift the lid to begin, poof! Full on fire in the wok, smoke, alarm goes off, I throw the lid back on, turn off the flame and stand back. The fire eventually fizzles. The wok is destroyed and I buy my friend a new one. Back to Ron of Japan. Avoidance technique solidified.

Years pass. I marry. I grapple with my inabilities, trying, failing, takeout and cold cereal for dinner. Yet here I am with a food blog. A pumpkin roasting in my oven right now. It is, after all, almost Thanksgiving and Sister-in-Law Amy and I have pies to bake! I am not afraid of epic failing, partly because I live within one mile of bakeries and grocery stores to save me. I doubt I will need a net this year. Unless of course a pie goes flying out the window. Dare to dream.